Redefining Confidence

Have you heard of power posing?

I will admit, I was skeptical at first. Had I known the book I checked out from the library was by the person behind power posing, I might not have given it a chance. 

My first reaction was “I have to read a whole book about putting my hands on my hips?!” 

Spoiler: it wasn’t all about putting your hands on your hips.

I originally checked it out because this is the summer of ‘me’, and Presence is all about being your best and boldest self. Here are my top three takeaways:

  1. Be sincere

Being sincere is a two parter! 

Part one: Be honest in your thoughts and your actions. 

You build a reputation with yourself. When you know you lie, exaggerate, have ulterior motives, withhold information, etc, it will subtly leak through your actions. And people can tell when you aren’t being sincere, even if they can’t quite put their finger on why something seems off. It’s a leftover survival instinct! If you are always sincere, your conviction and confidence will automatically shine through.

Part two: Be sincere when listening to people and withhold your judgements. 

You may have noticed how difficult it is to change someone’s mind on a topic such as say, politics. When discussing politics, are you listening just to change the other person’s mind, or are you listening to truly understand their point of view? Even if you think someone’s viewpoint is wrong, they will sense that you aren’t being truly ‘present’, and it will affect your ability to have a discussion with them.

Be honest, withhold judgement, and listen to both yourself and others.

  1. Think About When You are at Your Best

Think of a time when you felt ‘truly you’ and you were your best. What were the circumstances?

For me, I feel like my best self when taking care of my foster cats and kittens. I do what’s best for the cats and act decisively when I think they are sick. I pour so much love into my fosters, and have saved kittens that the humane society didn’t think would make it.

Since I believe strongly in what I’m doing, I am naturally confident about it. I don’t care if people think cats are aloof, feminine, mean, etc or if they think I’m a crazy cat lady. 

If you think about your best self before an interview or presentation, it will put you in the right mindset. You don’t have to practice public speaking or completely change who you are to be confident, you only have to feel passionate.

  1. Worry Less About What Other Think

We worry about what people think because they want them to like us, right? 

Ironically, worrying too much about it is like having your brain firing on too many cylinders at once, which makes you less effective and probably less likeable. How can you possibly be your best self when you’re analyzing different scenarios and everything that is being said and could be said in real time? My brain is frying just thinking about it! 

This knowledge has really helped me re-frame my interactions with others and helped me relax. I can only do the best I can do, and we all say something cringey at times.

Now that I know my best self will come through if I stop worrying about being my best self all the time, it has freed up so much mental energy! And for the times when I still get nervous, I know I have my Wonder Woman power pose to fall back on. Your mind follows your body’s actions, so you can trick yourself into thinking you are powerful, and it will help you relax. So starfish up!

The Summer of ‘Me’

I have a confession: I’m back on to self-helpy type books.

With not much else to do, I’ve decided that quarantine is the summer of ‘me’, and I’m going to get all my self help out of the way so I can finally be a self-actualized and functioning human being.

If you’ve been following along, you may have picked up on the fact that I have some confidence issues. Fear not, dear reader! I am *mostly* past it.

Sometimes you have to breeze through a few books and Youtube videos to find a nugget of gold (or a bread crumb) to completely change your perspective and put you back on the right path. I gleaned such a nugget from watching a Youtube channel called Charisma on Command.

Typically, things like ‘how to influence people and win over friends yada yada etc’ make me feel yucky inside. I’m not trying to manipulate people into liking me, I just want to not be a ball of anxiety! But luckily, Charisma on Command draped me with a warm blanket of love and self acceptance, and this is what I learned:

People don’t judge you on your flaws, they judge you on how you feel about your flaws.

GASP!

Clearly, I’ve been going things very wrong (and I say that with all of my self-acceptance and love).

So many years of trying to achieve perfection to have a protective ‘shield’. I could have circumvented a lot of pain, money, and time if I just accepted myself and my flaws.

I feel so relieved.

No one can use my flaws against me if I’m okay with my flaws. In fact, now I know I can lean into my flaws, and everyone will just have a giggle about them! (Just look at Jack Black. He LEANS so hard into his ‘flaws’ and he is hilarious!)

My friends often comment on how early I go to sleep. I LOVE to sleep. And I never gave a flippity flip about what anyone thought about my grandma bedtime, because I know I need a solid 9 hours to maintain my pleasant demeanor. It’s kind of a running joke now (at least I think it is, if not sorry not sorry and I’m going to keep going to bed at 10PM anyway :))))

Cats just ‘get’ me. #napbuddies

If I felt sensitive about my need for slumber, it might be a different story. But I’ve accepted that I need some gosh darn sleep and my friends have too. Yay!

If I can apply the same conviction I have for sleeping to other aspects of my life, I’ll be good to go! Stay tuned for more confidence nuggets throughout the ‘summer of me’.

Facing Yourself, Accepting Yourself

Do you ever hear what your voice really sounds like (from a video recording, or the phone echoing back, etc) and cringe?

Our internal picture of ourselves is not always accurate- and anything that contradicts how we view ourselves can be… a little painful. No one is ever like, yay, give me some constructive criticism please!

Stick with me here, because I have some weird analogies coming up.

In this video game I’ve been playing lately called Persona, the protagonist saves people from their shadow selves, which are dangerous monsters that reveal your true feelings. You can’t hide from your shadow self!

For example, one person you save is a girl whose family owns an inn. She is quiet, smart, admired, and will eventually take over her parent’s business. Seems like her life is set, right?

Since I’m writing about it, you can probably guess that no, Yukiko does not feel that way.

She feels stuck. She doesn’t want to take over the inn because it was decided for her, and she feels she has no control over the future. She desperately wants a ‘knight in shining armor’ to rescue her from her city. She resents anyone who has a boyfriend, because she feels she deserves one more.

Popular. Capable. Angry. Jealous. All of these things are true.

In this game, the character must face their shadows in order to defeat them. The more the characters deny and ignore their shadow self, the angrier and more dangerous their shadow self becomes. They need to accept the ugly part of themselves in order to calm it down and defeat it. Once defeated, the shadow grants the character special powers, making them even stronger.

Your real strength comes from being able to face your shadows, because then they don’t have power over you. The more you acknowledge your weaknesses, the stronger you become. You have to admit there’s a problem before you can address it and improve.

With that being said, just because you have ‘shadows’ does not make the good parts of yourself any less valid. 

My shadow: I am obsessed with perfection, and I get laser focused on issues until they consume me. I have a hard time letting go until I believe it has been fixed.

My strength: I am great at improving things, and I am often aware of issues before they even come up, meaning I am able to fix them before they become bigger problems.

The flaw I just described and my strength are one in the same. Your weakness is often your greatest strength with the volume turned up too loud.

Since I am aware of this about myself, it allows me to step in do a little course-correcting before things get out of hand. When my more negative thoughts crop up (as they often do) I can look at it from a distance and say, hello shadows! Thanks for those thoughts but also no thanks. It also allows me to know myself better and be more grounded in who I am. If someone were to offer me some constructive criticism, it would not come as a surprise, therefore I would not be as defensive. I can respond more calmly, and from a place of self acceptance and confidence.

In the video game, after defeating her shadow self, Yukiko learns she can forge her own path. In the end, she decides to keep working at her parent’s inn. It’s the same outcome, but this time it was the path she chose and accepted instead of the path prescribed to her.

If you face yourself, you can accept yourself.

I am Heartbroken.

People seem to have forgotten about this color:

5 Shades Of Gray Color Scheme » Gray » SchemeColor.com

And about this diagram:

What is a Venn Diagram | Lucidchart

They try to paint everything as black and white. If you don’t agree with us completely, then you must be against us!

I wrote what I thought was a heartfelt post on Facebook (great idea, I know) to let others know what was going on in the Twin Cities, seek support, and point out there are shades of gray and not just one force at work in the destruction.

I was sick to my stomach when I realized my post was misinterpreted, and others jumped to conclusions without trying to understand the intent of my post.

TLDR: I didn’t want protestors to be blamed for all the violence. Yes, some protestors may be destroying things. Some of the destruction might be from people who just want to get in on the excitement. Some might be anarchists who want to burn the establishment. Some might be white supremacists trying to incite more violence and destruction.

Maybe I just should have said that?

I was trying to convey that there are MANY people with MANY motivations, and it’s not a black and white picture of “Protestors are destroying everything!” or “No, the white supremacists are destroying everything. It couldn’t possibly be our own residents!”

I was worried people who weren’t in the Twin Cities would immediately turn blinders on and not try to further understand the movement because of the destruction.

Again, maybe I should have just said that.

Instead I talked about how shocking it was to see the gas station across the street from me be set on fire. I said that it was jarring to learn places I used to go were now destroyed. Yes, I was upset about the destruction, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the movement or that I didn’t understand why it was happening. I can be upset about the death of George Floyd and the destruction of places that hold so many of my memories.

When the Target by me was first destroyed, I knew that it was part of the cause and while it may inconvenience my life, I also knew that this is how disenfranchised folks feel everyday. The police precinct was symbolic. The old Rondo neighborhood was symbolic. While I don’t condone the destruction, I was not upset by this.

I am upset about the opportunists destroying things like a tuition-free school, non-profits, and libraries. It is obvious to everyone in the Twin Cities that these actions are not a part of the movement. These are the actions of opportunists who just want to fuck shit up for the sake of fucking shit up.

Yes these things can be rebuilt, and I know the pain I feel about the neighborhoods that were destroyed doesn’t compare to the pain of others. But I can still be in pain. It doesn’t mean that I value buildings over human life. It doesn’t mean that I value my memories of those places over a human life. I can be sad about both things, and I can be different degrees of sad about them, okay?

Everything that is happening in the cities right now hurts so much because I care about this place and I have a strong connection to it. It is where I got married. It is where I got my first adult job. It is where I laughed with my friends. It is where I shared meals with my family. It is my home.

Please, realize the situation is a lot more nuanced than it appears. Realize there are shades of gray.

I am heartbroken.